Be the first to take Mr. Terry's Night Vision Test
Question number one: You've hunted all day without seeing a single deer, but you consumed two ham sandwiches, ten strips of survivalist beef jerky — the 12 inch kind — five cans of Red Bull, and — an hour before sundown — you finished off the Old Granda you poured into your flask last night at the card game. So you are coming down the trail to your car, and you stumble upon two buck fighting it out. Because they are in combat, they don't notice you. Which of the following would you do?
a) While watching the fight, you load up your 30-30 Winchester just in case it's a solar eclipse and the daytime is soon to come back, therefore allowing you to drop the big one on the right. Or is the bigger one on the left? Doesn't matter, if it's a solar eclipse — damn, you're gonna drop both of them.
b) Knowing your iphone 6 is somewhere deep down in your pants pocket amongst the crumbled up cheese and crackers and melted M & M's. You lay everything down, take off your boots and pants — whoops, forgot to put undies on this morning, well, heh, heh, the animals won't notice — and fish for the iphone, because who's going to believe a story like this?
c) Figuring it's a mirage, or there was more of the Old Granda in the flask than you thought, you simply shake your head and walk away.
D) For those who selected B above. Follow up essay question: Let's say you are fishing for your iphone to take the photo and a game warden comes up behind you, scaring the buck away. He's holding a flashlight and wants to know what you are doing. Please write in the space below what you would tell him:
Question number two: This time, you are heading up the trail to the tree stand you built using the kids playhouse you tore down, because you were too cheap to buy some wood or a ladder stand. Suddenly you can't believe your eyes. A raccoon is attacking a doe and the doe is lifting its hoof to kick the bejesus out of the raccoon. Would you:
a) Shoot the doe, figuring if you get caught, you will tell the game warden that you were protecting the raccoon from animal abuse.
b) Shoot the raccoon, because you hate raccoons, anyway, and hope the bullet will ricochet and kill the doe. That way, you can tell the game warden you though the raccoon was was carrying the Ebola virsus and you had to save the nation, if not the world.
c) Shoot both the raccoon and the doe rapid fire like, because they are in your path to the tree stand and besides, humans have rights over animals when it comes to the woods. Besides, dead animals don't talk.
d) You have to go really bad, because of the seven cups of coffee you drank just before you left the hunting camp. So you figure, 'what the heck, I might as well pee now and watch the fight to see who wins.' And, while peeing, if you can find your iphone you can record the fight and hope it goes viral on YouTube.
Final question: It's the night of the final day of hunting season and you've hunted for two weeks. You go back to the wife and screaming kids in the morning, ten pounds heavier, $830. 56 in credit card spending, and a case of shingles. Its rained every day. Strike that, it was a monsoon every day — some sort of weather phenomenon blamed on climate change. You didn't see a deer the entire two weeks, and in fact, you have painful little bumps all over from sitting all day in soaked clothing. You are constipated, too, because of the lousy camp food — and eating too much survivalist beef jerky, a hundred 12 inch strips the last you counted. You take a break from the card game and you go out on the back porch to get some air. The cigarette and cigar smoke have made your sinus condition the worst it's been in 25 years.
Suddenly, a huge buck strolls into the cabin light and stops to stare at you. It's the biggest buck you've ever seen, even bigger than the deer in those glossy hunting magazines. The buck doesn't appear to be afraid, and he speaks to you: "You blooming idiot, I stayed the entire two weeks some 25 yards from the cabin and you walked by me every day to go deeper into the woods. How stupid can you be." Do you:
a) Speak, in a soft, almost musical tone, 'Oh, I'm sorry about that, can you wait here for two minutes while I go back inside and get my 30-30, load it, and come back out here and BLOW YOU'RE FREAKIN' HEAD OFF? Please, huh, can you do that?'
b) Even though you are wearing your soaked hunting socks, you charge at the buck, trying to get your hands around its neck to strangle him, screaming at the top of your lungs, "you dirty stinkin deer, you dirty stinkin' deer, I'll kill you, I'll kill you." The hunting cabin empties out onto the back porch and they find you squirming in the mud and leaves — with no deer in sight — screaming "you dirty stinkin' deer..."
c) You think you are hullucinating, so you simply turn around and go back inside the cabin. Without saying a word, you pack up your things and go out the front door, get into your car, and drive the hell home.
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